It was late January, 2004, and my boyfriend who I had been with for almost 6 years, started acting weird. Really weird. He was avoiding me. He stopped smiling to me. He didn’t talk to me anymore. He didn’t touch me. He got obsessed with his cellphone, and started hiding it underneath his pillow at night. He wouldn’t look me in the eyes. He didn’t make any silly jokes anymore. He was acting so weird that it scared me. I didn’t understand what on earth he was doing, why he acted like that, or what he wanted. And he refused to talk. In my messed up little head I started thinking that “Maybe.. maybe he’s just trying to fool me? Maybe he’s going to propose to me? We HAVE been together for 6 years. Ooh, of course! Valentines day is coming up! I’ll wait until Valentines day before I do anything. Maybe. Maybe he’s just trying to fool me.” And I held on to that thought so hard that in the end I started believing that it was the truth. He was just trying to fool me. Acted weird to make me curious, and then, out of the blue, propose to me, and everything would be all right.
It was February 13th, and he was still acting really weird. I couldn’t take it any longer. He wouldn’t talk to me, and he didn’t answer when I begged him to tell me what was on his mind. “Don’t you want us to be together anymore? Seriously, I can’t be with you if you’re going to continue like this!” – and he answered “I don’t know…”. My heart sunk. “Oh, you don’t know?! You don’t know if you want me anymore? Well, let me make it easy for you, asshole – we’re over. It’s over. Now. No more!”.. and I left our bedroom, crying, my world collapsing, 6 years down the drain, nobody knows me like he does, I can never love again, where am I going to live, I can’t afford to pay the rent alone, why are you treating me like this? WHY WHY WHY!? .. and I collapsed on the sofa, crying all fucking night, not a word from him, he stayed in our bedroom. I got up early, after not sleeping at all. Shaking and crying, constantly. I had to get to work. I didn’t want to, but I had to – it was my day to open the shop. Before I left he said “I won’t be here when you come home.”
I went to work, got the shop opened. Tried smiling to the costumers, but constantly started crying. I had to call a colleague after a few hours, and she jumped on the bus and came right there to take over, and sent me home. It was fucking Valentines day. The whole city was decorated with hearts, and everyone I saw seemed to be happily in love. Holding hands. Kissing. I bought some cigarettes and a sandwich, and went home. Started crying hysterically the moment I stepped into our apartment. He was gone.
I spent about 2 weeks in misery. I can never love again. What am I going to do without him? We were together for 6 years, living together for 5 years. I grew up with him, so to speak. And we grew apart, totally. We didn’t want the same things in life. I knew. I had dumped him several times in the past, and I knew. I knew! But still, it was horrible, and all I could think about was the nice memories and the good times. I forgot all about how bad he had treated me. I forgot all about me actually HATING him. I forgot about us rarely having sex anymore. I forgot about how bored I was. I only focused on the positive aspects of our relationship, and wanted him back so badly.
But then I started going out. Alone. Meeting people. Making new friends. Making out with a 17-year-old named Tom. Kissing with Stein. Fooling around with my girlfriend Mari. Having a ton of guys asking me out, flirting with me. I felt so alive! I hadn’t felt anything like that for years. I loved being single! I started seeing the break up as a wonderful new opportunity, a new start, an exciting adventure. I felt better than ever. And suddenly my ex-boyfriend wanted me back. Suddenly he saw me from a different angle. Through the eyes of his rivals. He wanted me, the single me, the one who’s independent and funny and sexy and flirtatious – the one who gets drunk 5 times a week and fools around with unknown men in the park. In the dark. Cars passing by, honking their horns. I’m not that person when in a relationship. I tend not to drink a lot as my favorite thing in life would be getting drunk and flirting with people - which isn’t the best idea if trying to be monogamous.
There’s a kindred spirit in this story somewhere too, but I can’t write about him. It hurts too much. A soul-mate I had to let go of.
I continued living together with my ex-boyfriend for 9 months after our break up, and there was a lot of drama, now he was the one crying, wanting me back, wanting to kill every guy who dared to even look at me - but it was the most action packed year of my life. For a couple of months I lived in an empty apartment, sleeping on a mattress on the living room floor. I loved it. I found myself.
Anyway. I met Knut. I didn’t really want to be with him at first, but he hypnotized me, and here I am. Never been so attracted to anyone else. I was .. lost in his eyes. He couldn’t stop looking at me. We couldn’t stop touching each other. We’ve been together for 5 years soon. I can’t promise to love him forever. All I can promise is to look back at our nice memories with joy and love in my heart. I’m grateful for our two sons. I’m relieved to be brought here by destiny – relieved not missing out on becoming a mom. Relieved that I have them in my life. It’s crazy to imagine me living in some other town somewhere, unaware of my children, the sons I could have had – it scares me so bad to think that I could have missed out on this!
I’ve learned that losing a boyfriend is NOT the end of the world – it’s a fabulous new chance, a new start, an exciting adventure - a turning point in your life. It changes the rest of your life. It erases the plans you’ve laid. It’s freaking GREAT. I know that if he was to end our relationship I would be okay with it. I love new adventures. Playing with destiny. Changing my future. Not because I don’t love him, but because our allotted time is over, and that’s ok. People need to learn how to let go, WHEN to let go.
Human beings SPEND each other, like we spend our money. We take what we can, and give what we can, and is left dry. That’s the time to leave. Give each other your best, and leave. That’s my advice. There’s always something interesting around the corner. If you’re free.
(just remember to settle down with someone before you get too old and ugly)
